Hard Times Handbook

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Everyone can use a ittle smile now and then and sometimes even a chuckle. I hope you find these things humorous.

Hunting stories 

two buddies went out hunting. they were trekking through the woods on a pleasant fall day, when suddenly one of the two cluched at his chest and fell to the ground. His friend rushed to his aid and then pulled his cell phone from his pocket and frantically died 911.When the emergency operator answered, he shouted into the phone "My friend has had a heart attack and he's dead. I don' know what to do.Please help me "Where are you?" asked the operator. "I don't know" the man blubbered. "Somewhere in the woods.What am I going to do. What will I tell his wife!?" "Try to calm down" the operator said. "I can talk you through this."  "Okay, okay, I can do that"  the man panted, still hysterical. "Now first, I want you to make sure he's dead." the operator directed. "Alright" the man said. There's a moment of silence, and then a loud gunshot.  the man returns to the phone. "Okay, he say's. "Now what?"

A group of hunting buddies are sitting around the campfire one night and the talk turns to pain. Each man is eager to prove he has suffered and overcome the worst pain and is therefore the toughest man in the camp. But one fellow just sits quietly listening. Finally one of the guys turns to him and says "What about you Jack? Don't you have a war story to tell?" In  soft voice Jack says, "Well I'll tell you about the second worst pain I ever suffered. I was out all alone hunting, and I felt the call of nature, and there being no one around but me, I dropped my pants and squatted next to an old oak tree, but I failed to see the bear trap hidden in the leaves and it snapped shut on my testicles." Every man at the camp fire turned pale. Finally one man asked "If that's the second worst pain Jack, what's the worst pain you've experienced? And Jack replied "When I hit the end of the chain!"

POLITICAL HUMOR

 George Bush died, and awoke in a large round arena. As he gazed around, a door at the end of the arena opened and large angry bull entered and began to chase Bush around. A deep voice from Heaven intoned gravely, "George Bush, you have sinned. Your punishment is to spend all of enternity being chased by this angy Bull!

Harry Reid passed away and he awoke in the same arena. The door opened and in came a raging gorilla. As it ran toward O'Neil the voice from heaven spoke. "Harry Reid, you have sinned. Your punishment is to be chased by this raging gorilla for all eternity".

Then Bill Clinton died. He woke up in the arena too. The door at the end of the arena opened and in walked Cameron Diaz. The voice from heaven spoke. "Cameron Diaz, you have sinned--"

 

DUMB JOKES

Ed and Burt decide to go ice fishing. They bundle up, drag their fishing hut onto the ice and begin drilling a hole. A sonorous voice from above says "there are no fish under this ice." The men move further down the ice and begin to drill another hole. Again the voice from above  says "there are no fish under this ice." The men move their location once more. A third time the voice from above says "there are no fish under this ice!" Finally Burt asks timidly "Is that you, God?" "No." the voice says. "It's the rink announcer!"

Three drug dealers have been captured by the federales and sentenced to death by firing squad. The first man, desperate in his final moment, suddenly shouts, TORNADO! All the federales turn to look, and the man runs away. When its the second mans turn, the soldiers take aim but he shouts FLASH FLOOD! When the fererales turn to look, he too makes his escape. Seeing how well this has worked for his friends, the third man is also ready. As the federales raise their rifles, he shouts FIRE!

Two women are out walking their dogs when they decide to stop in at the local watering hole and have a drink. But the bouncer stops them at the door. "You can't bring your dogs in here" he tells them. "But I'm blind" the first woman says. "This german shepherd is my seeing eye dog." "Oh, I'm sorry" he says. "Go right on in." The second woman starts to follow. "Hold on" he says. "Just because she can take her dog in doesn't mean your's can come in too." "But I'm also blind" she tells him."This is my seeing eye dog." "You expect me to beleive this chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?" the bouncer demands. "What?!" shouts the woman  . "Those jerks gave me a Chihuahua?!"

 

 

 

    Misty had been experiencing a run of bad luck. With no where else to turn, she dropped to her knees and asked the Holy Father in heaven for help. "Lord" she prayed, I've been laid off from my job and my unemploymnt just isn't enough to pay all of my bills. But I've figured out a way for you to help me Lord. If I could just win the lottery, everything would be alright. So please Lord, let me win the Lottery this Saturday. Amen." Convinced everything would now be alright, Misty waited anziously for the weekend. She turned on the TV and sat back in eager anticipation. But to her disapointment, she didn't win. The next week, Misty was again on her knees. "Well, Lord" she prayed. "The repo man came and took my car today. I don't know what I'll do now. If I get a job, I guess I'll have to take a bus and hope it gets me with in walking distance. But I'm not complaining, Lord. I know you have a lot on your mind and I'm sure there are people worse off than me. But my rent is coming up Lord, and if things don't change, I won't be able to pay. So if you could just see your way clear to help me out and let me win the lottery, I sure would appreciate it." Saturday night rolls around and again, Misty is glued to the television, sure this will be the night. But once again, the winner is someone else. The next week, Misty is again on her knees before the Lord. "God," Misty prays. "You can see here in my hand I have an eviction notice. If I don't have my rent money by next week, I won't have a place to live. Now I know you have a busy schedule, but this isn't much for you to do, Lord. It would be an easy thing to just arrange for me to win and it would mean so much to me." Saturday rolls around again, and Misty is sure this time is the winner. But yet again, someone else's name is drawn. Misty is reduced to tears. "I'm so disappointed, Lord" she prays. I thought for sure you would help me!" Suddenly the earth rumbles and the clouds part and the voice of the almighty booms down from heaven. "Misty!" the voice says. "Help me out here. Buy a ticket!" 

Sam and Jake decide to go icefishing they bring their ice house to a place that looks good to them and Jake gets out his axe and begins to chop a hole in the ice. Sudenly a voice from above rings out. "There are no fish below this ice" the voice says. Jake and Sam are frightened beyond reason. Quickl they moe the icehouse to another location. Once again they begin to batter the ice with the axe. Once again the voice from above rings out. there are NO fish beneath this ice! the voice commnds. Sam looks up revernetly. "Is that you, God? he asks timidly

 

"I'm going to the store to get ice cream," the old man announced.  his wife puts down the paper. "OH, you know what would be good? Get some chocolate syrup to go on top." "Yes." said the old man. "And some of those chopped peanuts!" "Perfect" says the wife. The old man puts on his hat and starts for the door. "Wait a minute!" the wife says. "You better make a list." "A list! I don't need alist for three things." "Yes you do" she insists."Otherwise,  you'll forget." The old man is angry. "I'm not senile, you know" he yells at her. "I can remember three things!" And off he goes, slamming the door behind him. In about half an hour the old man returns with a paper bag that he sits on the kitchn table. The wife goes over and ooks in the bag. it contains two cans of tomato soup. The old woman nods her head knowingly. turning to her husband she saks "So where the crackers?"

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